Life's Balance

There are as many nights as days, and the one is just as long as the other in the year's course. Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word 'happy' would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness.

--Carl Jung

Why I'll Never Attend Church Again

The word church is from the Greek word, ecclesia, which means “assembly of people.”

According to the bible, the Old Testament, the people of the nation of Israel were chosen by God to carry forward his purposes and promises in the world. Eventually the Israelites failed to keep God’s commandments and were consequently subjected to punishment and captivity. [ref: Dr. J. Rodman Williams, Theologian] Following that, along came Jesus and you all know how that story version goes.

Ten years of my childhood, ages six to sixteen, were spent in active membership of a Baptist church. It was a fairly small church, congregation of 150 during regular weekly Sundays. With the exception of the occasional Christmas and/or Easter programs, my parents did not attend. But my mother stringently required my siblings and I to attend via the church van that presented itself at our doorstep every flippin Sunday.

Despite our initial reluctance it was not an unpleasant experience at all. In fact, those ten years spent immersed in activities like the junior choir, sleep-away camp for two weeks every summer, teen fellowship, teen bible study, those were the best years of my youth. During that period, when violence and turmoil was running rampant in my childhood home, the church offered the functional stability and love that I needed to provide some semblance of balance.

Having decided with certainty that my parents were a couple of asylum escapees, my childish eyes beheld the adults of my church with thankful reverence. In ease, and probably with some desperation, I grew accustomed to the love they proffered via kind and encouraging words. These encouragements spurred on my singing and my writing. When I was 14 my peers performed a Christmas play that was written and directed by yours truly. I fell into the arms of these adults, thankful for warm hugs of greetings every Sunday morning.

Fast forward to my senior year in college. I am planning my wedding and thrilled with anticipation. Not because I am planning some fairy tale princess wedding. Phfft! I’ve never been into that girly crap! My biggest thrill is I am anticipating a family reunion. A love-fest to include all of the people that watched me grow up. See where this is going?

For my wedding 95 invitations were sent out, 25 designated to my church family, including the pastor and his wife. When husband-to-be and I discussed our wedding plans, the only thing that I allowed myself to get excited about was the prospect of seeing my church family again. The wedding day came and went. Not only did NO ONE from my church family attend my wedding, but NO ONE called or sent a card either. Seriously. Not ONE person. I was too shocked to release any emotional response to that episode. No tears, no anger. The only thing I can say I felt was a quiet dismay.

For the sake of my children, several years later I returned to the church. I belonged to a non-denominational church for a few years when they were small. Eventually we stopped. We stopped because they began to see what I saw as a teenager and as a young adult. The hypocrisy was all over the place and I grew tired of explaining the oxymoron of negative behaviors of some of the adults in church.

Here’s what I decided. People attend church for one of two or both things. One is for guidance and the other is for fellowship. The guidance they seek comes through the weekly sermons and the bible study. The fellowship is fulfilled in gathering and exchanging thoughts and ideas with the other members of the church. At this stage in my life I’ve learned every thing I need to know about god’s rules of engagement for living on his planet. And those rules don’t change. As for fellowship, I’m not interested. I have no desire to have my life criss-cross weekly with lives that are not of my choosing. I already get that through parenting and I hate it.

Though we are ALL merely flawed mortals, some of us come with more baggage than others. And for some reason (at least it’s been my experience), the ones with the MOST baggage can be found sitting in church every Sunday. I believe in god, I believe in prayer. That’s all I need.

Religion is a good idea and I understand its concept in promoting social order. This post is not meant to discourage the idea of organized religion. Rather it is a statement on behalf of those of us who are active in our spiritual life, but choose to worship god outside of the confines of a church and its assembly.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

Yeah Yeah Yeah- SHUT IT!

Bare with me, I’m writing a book, so I’m kind of slowing down on the blogs. I went through some of your suggestions for posting topics. Sandi suggested that I write about the health care industry. That is a mammoth. But that’s not the reason I’m not going to touch that topic here. My 16 year old almost died in a car accident 20 months ago. She broke every limb and lost her friend, Amanda. My child is still here. Nuf said.

Barrie suggested T.V. show(s) that I hate. Off the top of my head I can’t think of any, but I know they exist. I’ll definitely write about that down the line. Chatti Patti suggested mother-in-laws as a topic. I’ve been married twice and thankfully, I’ve never encountered any difficulties with the in-laws. My first mother-in-law, who I thought was one of the COOLEST persons I’d ever met, passed away a few years ago. And my present mother-in-law is the second most wonderful person I’ve ever known (the first is her son, my hubby). So I can’t do justice to that topic.

Several of you suggested the presidential race. I gave you my take. And as the November elections draw nearer, I will probably write some more on that topic. Here are my next working titles in random order:

Why I’ll Never Attend Church Again

Sex Before Marriage: What Will You Tell Your Kids?

Sluts and Dingbats In Training: Raising Daughters Right!

Euthanasia- To Kill Or Not To Kill

My next post will appear on Sunday, March 2. Yeah yeah yeah. Shut it! I got a book to finish!

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

Quid Pro Quo, My Turn

Well here are my answers, not because 15 of you responded, but because I got twice the responses that I expected.

Sex Talk
I began having age appropriate sex discussions with each of my daughters when they were five. Prior to that I explained to them about "good touch" and "bad touch." During that time of my life I was a social worker who taught sex education in a teen-pregnancy and drug prevention/education agency. I’ve also used teachable moments when situations presented themselves since each of my girls were in kindergarten. Examples of those moments came through t.v., comments relayed to them by friends, couples smooching in the park, etc. Today they are 19 and 16. We still talk, but it’s more conversational than didactic.

My Drug Use
When they were 14 and 17 I told them a little bit about my experience, which was very minimal, but not everything. I told them enough to let them know that I would not be where I am today if I did anything more than experimenting. What prompted me to tell them was the stories they were telling me about some kids they’d been observing at their school (users and sellers). And they fessed up to their own experimenting as well.

White People & Black History
I’m not qualified to answer what white people think about black history month.

Black People & Black History
I am a black woman. No, I do not celebrate black history month. I’ve never seen a need. I have shared ALL history with my daughters since they were toddlers. They grew up visiting bookstores and libraries with me. We are of mixed heritage: their father and his family are from the Dominican Republic and Puerto Rico. My parents are black, my grandmother was Cuban, and my paternal great-grandmother was white. History envelopes our lives all year long.

Teenage Sex in My Home
No, I would not permit my daughters to have sex in my home, as teenagers. As young adults, probably yes. (If they are reading this, girls, see me to get an accurate definition of “young adult”).

Death Penalty
No, I do not believe the death penalty is an effective deterrent. Non-killers and non-criminal minded people come up with our laws. Outlaws laugh at them.

Would You Kill?
I would tear a femoral artery and/or jugular vein with my teeth if someone were trying to hurt either of my daughters or my husband.

Neighbors
On our left lives a black family and on our right lives an Asian family. I wouldn’t trade them, not because of their ethnicity, but because for the most part, we’re all quiet neighbors and respectful of one another’s privacy. We don’t invite each other over for barbecues but we exchange warm greetings and look out for each other’s homes when one family is away. Further down are three black families that I’d love to put on a slow boat to China, not because they’re black. It’s because they’re city people who brought their obnoxious city ways to our rural side of the world. Idiots!

Bank Robbing Off-Spring
If my child robbed a bank, I would NOT turn them in. If they were career bank robbers, I would have nothing to do with them. But if in the very unlikely event, they were part of a one-time caper, where they didn’t and wouldn’t get caught, phfft! Their secret is safe with me. I believe that all government, corporations, insurance companies, and ALL such big business are loaded with a bunch of crooks with the law on their side. Scammers! Taking the little guy’s money. One bank robbery? Phfft! I’m not giving up ANYBODY!

There’s my take, guys. Thanks for giving me your views!

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

Quid Pro Quo, Readers....

Let's play a game. You KNOW I love to see honest thoughts put out there. I am willing to do a post answering every one of the questions below under one condition. If I can get just 15 of my readers to answer at least three of these questions, let's say over a period of two weeks. I think that's fair, don't you? Let's give it a whirl. I think it'll be fun. NO anonymous comments please; I don't like spineless people. So let's begin, shall we?

At what age do you talk with your kids about sex? And how much did/do you tell them?

Did/do you tell your kids about your experience with alcohol and/or drugs?

What do white people think about black history month? Is it something you talk about with your family or with your kids or with your friends?

Are there black people out there who don’t celebrate black history month? If you don’t would you say why?

Would you let your teenager have sex in your home or would you prefer they go somewhere else? Don’t say not at all cause that’s not happening.

Do you believe that the death penalty is an effective deterrent to murders?

Under what circumstances outside of self-defense would you kill another human being?

What is the ethnicity of the families to the left and right of your home? Would you change this if you could?

If your child robbed a bank, would you turn them in? Why or why not?

You Readers ROCK!!!

You know, it takes big cahoonas to talk about the things I write about on this blog. I know this. But further, it takes those same kind of cahoonas to leave a comment about my controversial topics.

So I’d like to take a minute to give honor, give a shout out to, give a big fucking high-five to my most consistent commentors. To you all I say, HELL YEAH! Like the red-neck chicks, in Gretchen Wilson song. I think you guys ROCK! Oh yes, there are a LOT of lurkers and regular readers who pop in, read quietly, and leave quietly. Anonymous people. But not you. You may as well be the authors of these controversial topics. Most people are afraid to be seen talking to people like me. But not you. You show up AND you stand UP! And you say YES, Maria. I’ve been waiting for someone to bring this subject up.

For those of you who left more than three comments, I THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! My favorite blogger friends, because they chat with me here on icanseeclearlynow AND on icanseemea, are Cheeky, with 4 comments here, Sherry, with 3 comments here, Misskris, with 4 comments here, Beth, with 5 comments here and Andrea with 5 comments here. You guys are special and I LOVE you much! Seriously.

Another favorite group are the ones that have popped in and left a comment on mostly EVERY single controversial topic. They are Flip-Flop Momma with 5 comments here, Barrie with 4 comments here, and Spades with 6 comments here.

My SUPER-HERO favorite group are the most regular commentors. You are FEARLESS. You speak on many of the topics that others don’t want to touch. Oh how I HEART you! In FOURTH place is Trish, for her 7 comments here. In THIRD place is Chatti Patti for her 9 comments here. Tied for second place is Granny Annie and Sandi for their respective 10 comments here. Drum roll please for my first place commentor and sweet friend, who I chat with regularly on the phone….. Nikki for her 15 comments.

Of course, I must give honorable mention to my THREE TOP FANS that none of the readers will EVER be able to top. My two AWESOME daughters who shocked me by reading regularly, Twinkle and Shrimp. AND the president of my fan club my HUBBY, Quietstorm. They are the best things that’s ever happened to me! Truly.

Thanks blogger people. I HEART you lots!!

Maria

Our Next President: Is America Ready?

.... For her first Mormon President? Maybe. For her first female president? Maybe. For her first black president? I seriously DOUBT that.

I am NOT a political writer. I am an astute observer of people and their behaviors, my own included. I pay close attention to societal and individual trends, motivations, innuendos, needs, and other human conduct. And I write it all down.

That said, if you came here to find out about my politics, you are in for a disappointment. But if you are interested in knowing MY truth about America’s locale in her evolutionary spectrum of equality and objectivity, tune in. You’re in the right place.

Let’s begin with a look at the possibility of American voters choosing a Mormon for her next president. Could it happen in 2008? It certainly can. The question for voters has never been exclusively based on whether or not a candidate’s religion matches their own. For most voters, it has been a question of values: God, family, work ethic, love of country.

Of course there are places in history where we can cite religion as a matter of serious contention and the eventual basis for the voters’ choice. That is in line with the natural unfolding and evolving of any society. But when we take a closer look, the chasm of division was not very wide to begin with. It was simply a matter of understanding that while we were worshipping within separate parameters, we were sharing the same core values.

Historically our presidents were representatives, in majority, of the Episcopalian and Presbyterian religions. It should be noted, however, that Dwight Eisenhower, the 31st president, was of the Jehovah’s Witness sect. Herbert Hoover and Richard Nixon were of the Quaker sect. John F. Kennedy, as we know, was the nation’s first Catholic president. Therefore, it should be understood that non-traditional religious representation in the White House has established precedents.

What’s not been done as yet in American politics is voting a woman or a black man into presidential office.

Would you like to know what my response was to learning in early 2007 that Barack and Hilary would make a bid for the 2008 presidential elections? I rolled my eyes, sighed and said, “I guess we’re in for four more years of a republican presidency.” Why that reaction? Because we are NOT there yet. We are NOT ready.

A woman for president? Maybe. Eventually. But for now Hillary Clinton is NOT the one. Most of America sees Hillary as simply an extension of her husband Bill. And let’s not forget that a LOT of voters HATE her for numerous, legitimate reasons. Voting Hillary into the White House, as far as most people are concerned, would be tantamount to giving Bill four more years on top of the eight years he already spent as president.

A black man for president? I’m not going to say, never. But it’s NOT going to happen in 2008. Why? Race is too STICKY an ISSUE in America. It’s still a TABOO topic. Case in point: several hundred a month read this blog. On average twelve individuals will leave a comment for each article posted.

Barack Obama is one of a kind in American history, the FIRST black leader to stand on a UNIFYING agenda for change. His primary agenda does NOT focus on issues concerning the black community. But unfortunately for Barack and his supporters, what will overshadow his chances are the divisive platforms of his predecessors, the likes of Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Shirley Chisolm, and Carol Mosley-Braun.

Whether or not they were running for political office, historically the primary interests of black leaders have been issues in the black community. I’m not saying that was a wrong position. It was necessary for the socio/political climate at the time.

Whites in America have justifiably bristled in response to the leaders of the black community. On both sides of the racial divide there have been reasons for suspicion of motives. White leaders in American history, past and recent, have not consistently tried to advance the interest of black Americans. By the same token, black leaders of America’s past and recent history, have taken an approach that suggests there will always be an outstanding debt owed by America to the black community. Neither approach can work to advance us as a societal whole. Barack Obama, in his wisdom, recognizes this, thus his unifying change agenda.

The reality is this: typically, precedents are set AFTER unprecedents FAIL. Also, if we are too afraid to TALK about RACE/BLACK/WHITE issues, then we are NOT brave enough to vote objectively, in private, for its representatives. It is only societal ills left unaddressed that run rampant in the dark and undercover: i.e., human trafficking, incest, media black-outs, for a few examples.

Where we stand as an America on our racial divide is still a sore spot that we’re not all ready to talk about… yet. Know why? The road to functional family living begins with a mirror that must be held in front of each family member. Are you really ready to take an HONEST look at yourself? You might want to do that before you head out to the polls.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

The 2008 Presidential Elections....

Looks like the gloves are coming off. Hillary is starting to get a little prickly, Edwards, a little whiney, and Obama, though trying maintain his tread on the high road, a tad glib.

My article will appear sometime Friday night.

In the meantime, I thank you for your topic suggestions. I will select them according to their alignment with my posting themes.

"I Have A Dream That One Day This Nation..."

....We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality.
We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities.
We cannot be satisfied as long as the Negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one.
We can never be satisfied as long as our chlidren are stripped of their selfhood and robbed of their dignity by signs stating "for whites only."
We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote.
No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until justice rolls down like waters and righteousness like a mighty stream.
I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive.
Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed. Let us not wallow in the valley of despair.
I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.
I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident; that all men are created equal."
I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, that one day right down in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.
I have a dream today.
I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exhalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.
This is our hope. This is the faith that I will go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood.
With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.
This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning, "My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrims' pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."
And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania.
Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado. Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California. But not only that; let freedom ring from the Stone Mountain of Georgia. Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.
Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

--Martin Luther King, Jr.

August 28, 1963

Happy Martin Luther King Day Everyone!

Your Suggestions Are Welcome!

I'm supposed to have another post up here soon.

Soooo.... I was thinking..... why not take some topic suggestions! I would love to hear from you guys what you'd like to see me opine on next. You can leave your suggestions as a comment or you can send me an email: icans33clearlynow@yahoo.com.

In case you were wondering, I do intend on writing a post about the presidential elections.

I look forward to hearing from you!

Raise Your Hand If You're A Nappy-Headed Hoe!

The point isn’t about whether or not you feel comfortable with that moniker being assigned to you. The point is the right to free speech, plain and simple. Who among us was even listening to Don Imus before the media hyped this issue up? He is a shock jock, addressing his market audience, giving them what they tune in to listen to. I think he’s a clown and he performs for other clowns. But I don’t think he should have been fired.

The Rutgers Basketball team, who I’m sure had never even heard of him or his show before their call from the media, chose to respond to something that should really have been ignored. I don’t fault the players, those girls were the epitome of grace, doing as they were told. I fault the coach, C. Vivian Stringer, who I knew had her own motives for participating in a media circus. I’ll come back to that.

First let’s review. Nappy-Headed-Ho. Let’s talk about the derivation of these hateful words, words that won’t be found in ordinary English language. The word hoe used in the misogynistic lyrics of some rap music, is slang and means whore or slut. Its origin can be traced to Harlem in the early 1970s, a period of unsettled adjustment for blacks and whites. During this time, the legal and permissible inequities of the employment arena, left blacks with limited opportunities to provide for themselves and their families. A significant number of women turned to prostitution, a business that black men also turned to as pimps.

With braggadocious pride, the black men in this business, referred to themselves as pimps, while in disgust and dismissal, they referred to the women they prostituted as hoes. Eventually these words were adopted into the black mainstream of ordinary citizens.

The word nappy has its roots in British history, its definition, a cloth diaper. During the slavery era in America (1619 – 1860), the word was adopted to describe the texture of black hair. No one can say for sure whether it was adopted by the slave owner or the slaves themselves. What is certain is the slaves continued the use of it and it has been carried on by blacks to describe the texture of black hair since.

It is a derogatory word that black people have “turned around” to dilute its hateful origins. Among black women it has been used humorously to describe hair that needs to be straightened or hair that is beautiful in its natural state. Nappy has also been adopted by some blacks as title to their products, such as a song, a book, or a salon.

But, as usual, the opportunists rared their ugly heads for the chance of having a little spotlight. Let’s not waste time talking about Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson continuing to advance their own self-interest wherever happenstance permits. And I’m not going to discuss the piping up of Oprah and Obama, two intelligent people who should have known better than to give in to the weigh-in pressure. I’d like you to turn your attention to the previously unknown woman outside of the college sports world, C. Vivian Stringer, head coach of the Rutgers Women’s Basketball team.

I’m willing to lay a hefty wager that the girls on that team, who were the “victims” of Imus’ “attack,” are not too happy with Coach Stringer for how she used them to advance her own self-interest back in April 2007. The news of Imus’ “attack” on the Rutgers’ team broke on April 6, 2007. Coach Stringer signed a book deal with Crown Publishing Group on April 19, 2007. Her autobiography is due out in March 2008. Hmmm… could a movie-making be in the works?

And yet, in the face of these kinds of controversy, so many people pop around like puppets, ignoring the REAL issues. The REAL issue is the fact that black people continue to battle their self-loathing, esteem challenges, embedded in their psyche since slavery. This self-loathing causes some black people to act out in hostility and menace towards one another, using words like bitches, hoes, nigger, nappy-headed, etc.

The REAL issue is that there’s an unspoken rule against white people using any of these words to describe black people, meanwhile black people can’t seem to find a way to stop the use of these words amongst themselves. The REAL issue is black people are divided on discouraging the use of these words.

The fact is free speech in this country is not and should not go away. No person or group has any right or rationale to stop anyone of us from saying what we want to say, regardless of their difficult history. The history of the world is this: survival of the fittest. The past is filled with countless races that were targeted with heinous acts against them, not just blacks.

For a lot of black people in this country, the REAL issue is white people, in their eyes, will NEVER be pardoned for the sins their white ancestors committed against the black ancestry as the world evolved and unfolded. THAT is why there will always be marches of protest and press conferences called whenever these situations develop.

Finally, the REAL issue is how easily we fall like dominoes when a hot-button topic flares up in the media-circus. The reality is we live in a capitalist society, where the bottom-line is our bottom-line. We’re all, myself included, just trying to sell our wares. As a result, sometimes, pawns (the girls on the basketball team) and scapegoats (Don Imus) are used. Who among us have not experienced the feeling of being a pawn or a scapegoat? It’s what makes the world go around.

So there it is. Pick your poison. You can play whatever role you like in these kinds of events. Do you want to make money? Have some spotlight? Have a pity-party? Or be entertained? The choice will be available to you at the next coming event.

On another note, name-calling and any reaction to it is soooo third grade.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

Raise Your Hand If You're A Nappy-Headed Ho

Don't worry, I'm coming with it. Stay tuned. In the meantime here are the facts.

And the Roar Award Goes To ....

Sherry over at Sage and Thyme did me an immense honor by presenting me with an award for my blog. She has given me the “A Roar for Powerful Words” award from the Shameless Lions Writing Circle. I am honored because Sherry is such a great writer, as well as a gentle, wise spirit, a mother-angel to many of us in blogosphere. I smile when I visit her blog and read her comments because I imagine her blog friends saying, geez what’s Sherry doing hanging out with this big mouth? *giggle*

The instructions for this award are as follows:

Those people I’ve given this award to are encouraged to post it on their own blogs; list three things they believe are necessary for good powerful writing; and then pass the award on to five blogs they want to honor, who in turn pass it on to five others, etc. Let’s send a roar through the blogosphere!

I took a few days to read about the Shameless Lions Writing Circle and visit the blog of its founder, Seamus Kearney, a journalist who resides in France. In keeping with the award's theme, three things I believe are necessary for good writing is:

TRUTH- No matter how difficult or painful it is to write, I think readers deserve to be given the author’s truth as he or she reflects the world through their art.

RATTLE- Nerves and thoughts should be smacked, shaken. The readers should come away from good writing reflecting in a new way, even if only for a moment. An author who rattles his or her readers sparks strong emotion in them.

HUMOR- Everyone of us can identify with someone who demonstrates good humor. Laughter is an elixir, a good medicine. It connects the child in all of us. While humor may not be appropriate for every article, a good writer should be capable of weaving it in on any occasion.

I don’t know enough people on the blogs to choose five, but I do know one. I pass this award on to Nikki. Nikki and I disagree on a number of her views, but I LOVE reading her blog because of the fire she’s unafraid to bring with her words. You should check her out if you have a chance.

Raising Our Kids - Part 2

I DO want to add something about the kinds of jobs parents are doing with raising their kids. I have two daughters, 19 and 16. They couldn’t be more different from each other. I love them both dearly and am extremely proud of the young women they’ve become.

However.

My oldest came to this planet with a mild irritation in her demeanor that morphed into a full blown attitude by the time she was two. It was like she had a few tiffs with my spleen and other innards before she made her appearance in this world.

During her infancy there was lots of crying. If she could speak at that time I feel certain she would have told me that her formula wasn’t warm enough or there was a pea imbedded in her crib mattress.

Thank god her sister came along three years later to distract her from her woes.

Here is my point: this older child of mine was difficult to love. She fought me at almost every turn. My recourse? I had to love her more. I had to show her more love, more patience, more consideration than I did my youngest. It was a pride swallowing, ego-stomping journey layered with gobs of mental gymnastics and hugs and kisses whether I felt like it or not.

Today she is a young woman that I am proud to call my own, I admire her so. A college sophomore with a 3.5 GPA, her drive and focus is a thing to behold. But she is also just as flawed as the rest of us are. What I am always mindful of when I look at her today and reflect on how she grew up, is how different she could have turned out.

What prompted me to write this addendum, was having my bedroom slippers, this morning, suction noisily at a sticky, clear-brown, dried puddle on the white linoleum beneath our fridge. My college girl has been home from school one week, but she’s still a work in progress. Only she would spill a puddle of iced tea in the middle of the night and walk away from it as if she were walking away from a spill in the street.

Oh yes, my lovely girl might have turned out differently were it not for the choices I made. Even if I did something as unintentional as staying out of her way and simply providing for her physical needs, she would have been ruined. So in the end, the truth is, I stand on both ends of this issue. Every individual should most certainly be held accountable for any grievous action they take against another.

But on the other hand, SHAME on the parents out there that indulged their wayward offspring or held their breath as they studied the hands of time, eagerly waiting to turn their unattended trouble-maker out onto the world.

The tears for your train-wreck in some county’s courtroom are for your rotten, selfish self.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

Parents of the Criminal Minded

This article is not my usual style.

I re-read the shooting stories of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha. I think I jumped the gun on what I thought I wanted to say about this topic. As I researched I found that I had a change of heart.

I can’t in good conscience, rip the parents of these perpetrators. Sometimes children come to the planet with physical challenges, sometimes it’s emotional. In response, sometimes parents have what it takes to make their childhood walk healthy despite circumstances, sometimes they don’t.

There is no magic formula.

I will just say this, children: need love and discipline to be productive citizens. They don’t need your friendship, they don’t need your money, and they don’t need a lot of time on their hands while you are off doing your own thing.

The shooters of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha were all angry young men living isolated existences. Their isolation had gone on too long unaddressed. For any of you reading who’ve been parents of at least one teenager, you know that it’s difficult to stand up and be the repeated bad guy in the life of your offspring. But was it a lack of standing up for the parents of these shooters? I really couldn’t say.

At his sentencing, I read that Michael Vick’s mother sobbed in distress. I rolled my eyes when I read that. How many of you reading this are raising kids likely to torture small animals in the backyard? Not many. OR how many of you are the parents of bullies? I’m thinking most of you are not. I wouldn’t put Vick’s parents in the innocent category. I would say Michael Vick was allowed to get away with a few things he should have been corrected on.

But the parents of Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, and Robert Hawkins, I’m not completely sure what I can say about them. For the families of the victims, my heart is heavy. But it’s also just as heavy for the families of the shooters.

That’s my truth and I’m sticking to it.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

The Splintered Group

*Sigh*

How can I lecture at you? You are who you are, afterall.

Last night I watched with helplessness as my 16 year old wipe away frustrated tears. She said, “Mommy, the world’s gone crazy.”

*Sigh*

You moved out of the cities, you bought your big homes. But. You are who you are.

What were you teaching your children while I was raising mine?

So many of her friends are announcing their pregnancies with some ridiculous, teenage, romantic delight. My daughter knows what they probably know deep down and won’t say. Their friendships are over. She must move on without them.

I can’t go into everything this morning. I can’t sleep and am up writing in the wee hours as my household sleeps.

The world has been spinning while you’ve been on your rants or amen-ing someone else's. What do you discuss in your homes with your children? You’ve been telling them something cause I watched them grow and interact with my daughters. After all these years, not one reliable girlfriend can I point to. I saw constant bickering, biting, mean-spirited behavior from your kids. What an unhappy bunch. I'm not even going to discuss the sons you raised looking either lost or angry and stumbling into adulthood without a map.

What were you telling them? A store clerk followed us around for no reason. That teacher does not like my son. That hostess seated us by the kitchen. If we were white, this that and the other. I have to deal with a racist supervisor. They’re not hiring my kid cause she’s …. Oh please DO shut up.

Yes, life is unfair. But. It is what it is. What have you been focused on? Did you teach your children to roll with the punches or to get out there and punch?

What’s your story? Your father left you, your mother beat you, you were sexually abused, you were poor? Or maybe none of these things and you just think America is biased against your kind. Where has that focus gotten you? How did you reflect and explain it to your kids?

Am I pissing you off or am I making you think?

Homophobes, what are you hiding?

I know at least one (there’s probably more) teenager, 17, that is in the closet because his parents are homophobic. He is handsome, smart, thoughtful, and great fun to be around. In other words he’s a good teenager whose parents did a great job raising him.

It breaks my heart that this beautiful kid is living a lie, hiding his authentic self because the two people he loves the most has made it clear to him that they are AGAINST a gay lifestyle.

Why do some of us get so upset about the gay lifestyle?

Why are some of us homophobic and others of us not?

I’m not talking about the bandwagon people who follow the nay-sayers and quote religion and/or for lack of a better explanation will say, “It’s just not right.”

I am talking about the ones who get extremely agitated, those that will even go so far as to commit a hate-crime against a gay person. I’m also talking about those that will dedicate their careers, be it political or otherwise, to fight against every gay rights issue.

I will tell you why. It’s called PASSION. And passion is a dead give-away about what’s going on in your heart, my friends. In case you never knew, I will tell you that EVERY time you open your mouth, you open your heart. Every word you utter reflects your thinking. For instance if you are someone who lies, you’re likely to accuse someone of lying. If you are someone who has cheated, you’re likely to accuse someone of cheating. And so on.

We are only human. And humans are passionate about the things they care the most about. Most of us have either been through a divorce or know someone who has gone through one. Few of us have born witness to civil, clean break-ups. My break-up was ugly and messy. Why so?

Passion. One of us was still in love with the other and was roiling mad about letting go. It would take nearly two years of living apart for the ex and I to accept that our marriage was over and civilly move on with our lives.

So of course when I met my present husband nearly five years ago and saw how incensed his ex-wife was about him remarrying, I knew what I was witnessing. Passion.

My biological family is riddled with homophobic behavior. I have a lovely 18 year old nephew who has his own unique style of dressing; it reminds me of George Michael, the singer from the 80s. He likes straight-leg jeans, patterned shirts, and he usually loops a chain loosely through his belt loops. He has a mane that he’s proud of, sometimes wearing it big like Beth’s son, or in tight short curls. He has a large zirconia in one ear. Two years ago on a very brief visit back home I winced listening to my mother and my brother take turns calling him a faggot.

Two years ago I spent a few agonizing days in one of the southern states visiting my estranged sister, her hubby and their sweet two year old daughter. One morning as their daughter and I were watching Teletubby’s on Nickolodean, he walked into the living room, switched the station and informed me that he doesn’t allow his daughter to watch them due to their possible gay affiliation.

So here’s what I believe about you HOMOPHOBES who are PASSIONATE about being anti-gay. I think if you are a man, you have harbored fantasies about having intercourse with another man. If you are a woman you have harbored thoughts about having intercourse with another woman. And these thoughts scare the crap out of you. You are afraid that something in your demeanor will give these thoughts away, so you speak or act out against the gay lifestyle to show the world that you are as straight as a pin. You speak/act out against the gay lifestyle hoping that this will banish the thoughts.

Of course, we all know that trying to stifle our desires is often a lesson in futility. Thus, the dual lifestyles that many have chosen to lead. I would name a few celebrities, but I don’t want to upset you any more than I already have.

My nephew is straight, but his spirit is broken. He’s already been in trouble with the law on more than one occasion. As for my two year old niece, I predict she will announce that she’s as gay as sunshine by the age of thirteen. Check the blog in eleven years, and I’ll be tickled to let you know.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

How O.J. Simpson Divided Our Nation

Readers I suggest strongly that if you’re going to read the following article, you suspend your emotions, you open your minds, and you open your hearts. If you can’t do that then hop off my blog cause you’re just going to get yourself all riled up for no reason.

First off, let’s get one thing straight. O.J. Simpson is a RESPONSIBLE party in the deaths of Nicole Brown-Simpson and her friend, Ronald Goldman. In 1994 our nation was divided by race lines when O.J. Simpson was charged and arrested for the grisly murders of his ex-wife Nicole and her friend, Ronald Goldman. Though O.J. received a not-guilty verdict in criminal court, he was found liable for the deaths of Nicole and Ron and subsequently ordered to pay over $3 million in damages.

Twenty-five years ago OJ was a young African-American man enjoying success and celebrity during a period when the nation was grappling with hotbeds of racial turmoil throughout the country. In 1972 O.J. became the first running back to rush for 2,003 yards, becoming the first player to ever pass the 2000 yard mark. He was named NFL player of the year in 1972 and 1973 and would eventually be inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in 1985.

Nicole was an admittedly shy and insecure person. She was also young, blonde and beautiful, these traits typically present in a trophy-wife. The two met in 1977 at a Beverly Hills night club when Nicole was 18 and OJ was 30. They were eventually married in February 1985. The honeymoon period in their marriage elapsed quickly and after seven years riddled with domestic violence, the two separated.

According to the Brown family, during their stormy marriage police were called by neighbors to their home on a few occasions, yet despite the bruises on Nicole’s face, O.J. was never arrested and reports were not filed. Finally on January 1, 1989, Nicole suffered a beating by O.J. that was so bad, pictures were taken of her face and body and medical reports were recorded citing O.J. as the source of her bruises. These reports and pictures would be on display during her eventual murder trial.

Nicole divorced O.J. in 1992, the same year that Los Angeles erupted into what would become known as the Rodney King Riots or more famously, the L.A. Riots. I will explain later how the riots largely impacted the murder trial outcome and the views of everyone involved, including the courtroom spectators and television viewers.

Plain and simple O.J. was a bully of the worst kind: he was a bully with privilege and influence because of his celebrity status. Unfortunately for the Brown and Goldman families, at the time of Nicole and Ron’s deaths this country was in the throes of racially charged unrest and their loved ones would become collateral damage for that period.

On June 12, 1994 the bodies of Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were found just hours after they’d been brutally murdered. Nicole’s throat was cut, her head nearly severed from her body. In the courtyard of her condo, both Nicole and Ron were stabbed multiple times while her children slept in the bedrooms above.

Five days after the murders police found a “suicide note” from O.J. in which he professed his innocence and said his goodbyes to friends. In pure circus-dramatic form, the note was read on television by one of his lawyers as television cameras filmed him leading the police on a slow-speed car chase. Supposedly O.J. was holding a gun to his head as he sat in the back of the white Ford Bronco famously driven by one of his cronies.

Following this hours-long pursuit, O.J. eventually turned himself in. The trial of the century ensued and we all know how the story ends. In 1995 O.J. got away with the murders because in 1994 Los Angeles was a racially charged mess!

The murder trial came on the heels of the acquittal of three police officers in 1992, who were caught on film, beating an unarmed and defenseless Rodney King, who moments before had led them in a high speed pursuit. The acquittals lead to the L.A. riots which lasted four days, resulting in millions of dollars in property damages and the loss of 53 lives.

The Los Angeles police department had a well-deserved reputation for racial profiling and biased treatment against blacks during that period. Adding to the racially charged environment, just a few months before the riots, 15 year old Latasha Harlins, an African-American, was shot and killed by a Korean store owner in L.A. who suspected her of shoplifting.

During the O.J. Simpson murder trial one of the key witnesses for the prosecution, L.A.P.D Detective Mark Furhman, perjured himself. He denied that he’d ever used the word “nigger” during his career, but an audio tape played by the defense proved he’d used it repeatedly. This had a huge negative impact on the prosecution’s case.

Now I’m not saying everyone across the country was hoping for a particular verdict because of the SKIN COLORS of the lead characters in this tragic story. BUT the TRUTH is MOST of us were and justifiably so. In 1994 white people were HORRIFIED that a murderer who happened also to be black would not pay the price for taking the lives of two of their own. In that same year black people were justifiably angry and outraged with their treatment by police.

Black people didn’t care whether O.J. did it or not, it was time for the tables to turn. In previous years countless black lives were taken at the whim of racist white men without any consequences. So why shouldn’t O.J. get away with these murders?

Well here we are, it’s now 2007. O.J. is in the press again, facing a pending burglary trial, because as luck would have it, he is just as stupid as he is arrogant. Hopefully by now we’ve all pulled back from the trees and we’re looking at the forest. Hopefully we’ve pulled closer to each other with more understanding and an appreciation for our respective, previous biases. Hopefully we can now agree with shared understanding that one way or another O.J. should be sent to jail.

"Let's say I committed this crime .... even if I did do this, it would have been because I loved her very much, right?"

-- O.J. Simpson

1998 Interview

Esquire Magazine

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearynow

Interracial Dating

A couple of months ago my husband and I were out doing errands and we stopped in at a Perkins restaurant to have lunch. It was noon on a sunny Saturday, so the place was pretty crowded. We were told there would be a twenty minute wait. So we took a seat in the lobby.

Seated across from us was a young married couple, also waiting for a table. Hubby and I are partial to married couples who display affection for one another cause that’s how we are and this type of couple seems sparse in most communities. It was apparent to us immediately that these two were in love. They were holding hands and gazing at each other as they spoke. Here’s what else I found apparent. When they weren’t having a verbal exchange, they worked hard on avoiding eye contact with the other waiting customers.

The couple, a black man and a white woman in their early twenties, looked extremely uncomfortable when they weren’t absorbed in an exchange with one another. The young man looked guarded and yet apologetic. The young woman looked a little bit fearful. I looked around at the faces of the other customers. They didn’t seem to be paying much attention to the couple. But the couple’s demeanor of discomfort spoke volumes.

Maybe on this day, with this group of people, in this restaurant, the young couple would face no hostility or insidious stares. But what went on in their life yesterday, last week or last month? What’s waiting around the corner for them next month or next spring?

I admit, when I was a young adult I was AGAINST interracial dating. That was because I had low self-esteem and I saw it as a rejection of me by my male counterparts. But the larger reason was because I was ignorant. Ignorance and low self-esteem are an ugly combination.

Those of you out there for whom this is a non-issue I appeal to you to educate your kids, your family members, maybe even your friends. At this stage in history that young couple should not have to spend their days being fearful or uncomfortable every time they leave their home. Here is the UGLY TRUTH. If this doesn’t apply to you there’s no reason to take offense like I know some of you will.

There are a number of black men who date WHITE women because they are tired of dealing with so many pissed off BLACK women. Obviously not every black woman is pissed off, but there are enough of them to make it look like they are in the majority. Writer/Director Tyler Perry has made a lot of money using this stereotype of black women in his movies (Madea, Diary of a Mad Black Woman).

There are a number of black women who date WHITE men because they are tired of dealing with angry BLACK men who think it’s ridiculous to romance them. These woman would like a little piece of the fairy tale where a man makes her feel like a princess sometimes. Some black woman would like to know what it feels like to be on the receiving end of a loving gaze out in public or a hand-in-hand stroll absent of the bebob dip in a man’s steps.

A number of the white men and white women who date outside their race do so because they are bored with their traditional counterparts. They want a relationship with someone who might be perceived as racier, spicier, or maybe even exotic. Sometimes a white young man or white young woman wants to rebel against their parents. Sometimes it’s just a matter of physical attraction.

Whatever the reasons, during these controversial dating cycles, people fall in love. All the initial motivations fall away and a pair of people just simply clique. And THAT readers, is a beautiful thing. A man and a woman should be able to love whomever they choose without fear of being judged by others. What’s it to us anyway? Why does it matter so much?

UNLESS, your world is replete with boredom OR your life is unfulfilled OR it sucks to be in your skin OR your parents were abusive to you OR you are destitute and therefore angry, then, YES. I see your point and your rationale. Misery does tend to enjoy company. But if none of these apply to you, then I strongly suggest you live and let live.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow

"Mommy, this place is RACIST!"

So I get a call from my college sophomore daughter last week.

“Mommy, I attended a forum last night. Have you heard of the Jena 6?”

“No honey, I haven’t.”

So she goes on to explain to me about these six black male teenagers who’ve been arrested and charged with attempted murder for jumping a white male teenager. I listen quietly and respond with, “Hmm.” Translation: okay, so now I know; thanks for the information.

“Mommy! Doesn’t that bother you? Isn’t it upsetting?”

“No, not really.”

“How can you say that?!”

“It’s an unfortunate situation, Twinkle. But I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that it’s upsetting me. Life is filled with good and bad, fair and unfair. These types of scenarios were going on long before you were born.”

Needless to say, my daughter became irritated with me. When I suggested we change the topic and talk about more pleasant things, she feigned off, citing homework and studies.

Unlike my daughter, I take the media with loads of salt grains. I spent several hours researching the Jena news story in preparation for writing this blog.

To the families and parents involved with this case, my heart goes out to you. To the citizens of Jena, my heart goes out to you too for all the labels, scapegoating and stereotyping your hometown will endure compliments of the media while this unfolds.

To my readers, here’s what I think about these unfortunate events stemming from the racial tension catalyzed by some bullies at Jena High School in Jena, Louisiana. The story goes, in September 2006 several black students sat under a tree on school grounds that was previously laid claim to by the white high school students in recent years. The next day upon their arrival to school Jena students were greeted by three empty nooses hanging from that tree.

The guilty parties were suspended for three days. In the months to follow tensions among the students would increase and more incidents requiring discipline would ensue. According to reports, in December 2006, a white male student, Justin Barker, was jumped by six black male students. As a result, Barker suffered bruises from kicks to his body while laying unconscious on the ground and lacerations on and around his face. He spent several hours being tended to in the local hospital’s emergency unit.

Drawing the highest bail was 16 year old Mychal Bell, his bond set at $90,000. Now 17, Bell was eventually convicted of second degree aggravated assault. The initial charges (trumped up by over-zealous and obviously not without some racial bias himself, DA, Reed Walters) included attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder.

Bell has been sitting in jail since his arrest last December whilst his lawyers work to get the conviction thrown out so that he may be retried as a juvenile instead of adult on the charge of aggravated battery.

As the mother of two teenagers, here’s what I knew instantly upon learning of this story. None of the young men involved in these incidents – from the noose-hangers to the hapless victim to the punks who jumped one kid – were innocent angels. According to student reports, Barker (the kid who was jumped) was targeted because of racial slurs he and friends were taunting black students with in previous weeks. Of course, that is NOT an excuse to beat him up.

Listen up people: DO NOT LET THIS INCIDENT FOOL YOU INTO FURTHER DIVISION OF THE RACES.

There are PLENTY of Jena citizens, BLACK AND WHITE, who are experiencing peaceful, productive, and cooperative living with one another. Their kids are not getting caught up in scrapes like these. The only people who are gabbing it up for the media are the opportunists. Most of the Jena citizens are feeling too humiliated and embarrassed to talk with reporters.

Racial divide keeps certain people in jobs. Hmm… let me see…. Oh yeah! Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson to name a couple. And I don’t have time to explain how the continued division of the races improve economics for the wealthy as well as the government. Let’s not forget about the media whose job it is to fan the flames, beat the drums, get people hollering so that ultimately they tune in and stay tuned. Economics, here also.

On a last note, here’s something you should know about Mychal Bell before one of you decide to join the throngs of rabble-rousers with your picket sign. While it’s noted that he’s an honor student and a football star on the school’s team, he also has a juvenile offense record of four adjudications, two of them for battery. At the time of his arrest he was on probation.

That said, be reminded, the residue of racism exists in places all over this country. But it is not an accurate reflection of how most of us are living. Twinkle, we'll just have to agree to disagree until you increase your life experiences and grow up a little more.

Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow