This article is not my usual style.
I re-read the shooting stories of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha. I think I jumped the gun on what I thought I wanted to say about this topic. As I researched I found that I had a change of heart.
I can’t in good conscience, rip the parents of these perpetrators. Sometimes children come to the planet with physical challenges, sometimes it’s emotional. In response, sometimes parents have what it takes to make their childhood walk healthy despite circumstances, sometimes they don’t.
There is no magic formula.
I will just say this, children: need love and discipline to be productive citizens. They don’t need your friendship, they don’t need your money, and they don’t need a lot of time on their hands while you are off doing your own thing.
The shooters of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha were all angry young men living isolated existences. Their isolation had gone on too long unaddressed. For any of you reading who’ve been parents of at least one teenager, you know that it’s difficult to stand up and be the repeated bad guy in the life of your offspring. But was it a lack of standing up for the parents of these shooters? I really couldn’t say.
At his sentencing, I read that Michael Vick’s mother sobbed in distress. I rolled my eyes when I read that. How many of you reading this are raising kids likely to torture small animals in the backyard? Not many. OR how many of you are the parents of bullies? I’m thinking most of you are not. I wouldn’t put Vick’s parents in the innocent category. I would say Michael Vick was allowed to get away with a few things he should have been corrected on.
But the parents of Eric Harris, Dylan Klebold, Seung-Hui Cho, and Robert Hawkins, I’m not completely sure what I can say about them. For the families of the victims, my heart is heavy. But it’s also just as heavy for the families of the shooters.
That’s my truth and I’m sticking to it.
Eyes wide open, icanseeclearlynow
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Parents of the Criminal Minded
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14 comments:
yaaaaayyy I get to be the first post on a virgin comment page!!! Very well written post and extremely heart felt. kudos. I agree with you. Free agency is necessary but even the most involved parent can have a child that goes the opposite way of what they have been taught for whatever reason. I do find it interesting that these tragedies occur and the perptarators(sp?) are almost always boys. Why are we losing our young men? This is a question that baffles me. For some reason their hearts fail them. Does society paint a unattainable picture of how they can be happy? I don't know. I do know that perhaps hope has left their life and that is a terrible place to be. What you have written about is so important. great job!!
Nikki
how dyslexic am I? PERPATRATORS.........I don't even know if that is right!!! How do you spell dyslexic?!!!........I need a spell checker on the comment page!!!! oi.
hey nikki, thanks for your supportive feedback. this was a tough one for me to write about. and i forced myself to write it because i made a promise to my readers. my family watched me stressing out about this article all day. thanks for jumping in and being the first to read it.
btw, i swear by dictionary.com.
:)
I'm glad I stopped by here. Very interesting reading. I like what you've said - I guess because I agree with you. I've been fortunate to raise two great girls, one is 21 and the other is 14. I can relate to being the "bad guy" and also being the listener and explainer when they have had classmates and so called friends act mean and spiteful. I am so proud of my girls. And you can tell they have been "raised right" because everyone loves them as they are such a joy to be around.
It is a perplexing issue and you addressed it well. We all wonder if, "There but by the grace of God, go I". I strongly believe we need to group around the victims and their families and let the criminals take their punishment without trying to analyze their childhoods.
I agree that we as parents need to be involved as much as possible and be a parent not a friend BUT with that being said - there is a point at which the person becomes responsible for their own actions and the consequences of those actions. Parents (along with others here) shouldn't be the scapegoat when a person goes bad.
While these boys may have been loaners to the outside world, they may have been more involved with their families, or that may have been how they have acted since they were very young so the parents were not alarmed by it. We will never truly know what happened behind the doors that they called home.
One of hubs favorite lines to use with the kids is: "Life's all about choices"
While I am not big at pointing a finger, the media does play a role (not responsible just plays a role) in the latter killings because the killer wanted to be famous for it and the media again is playing right into it.
texasgal, sounds like you're describing my daughters. you should be proud cause you and i know it wasn't (and isn't)easy! thanks for stopping by.
granny, *sigh* i agree. the perpetrators are ultimately responsible.
cheeky, you and your hubs are so right too. it's the mother in me that makes me waiver. it's a tough issue, it really is.
We want clarity and concrete answers, when often there simply are none. It is layered and complex and tangled.
My heat too is heavy for all the mothers.
I've always felt that, in addition to love and discipline, kids need your attention. Too many parents are busy and tend to look the other way. Or not look at all unless there is a problem. I guarantee, if my son had guns in his room, I would have known about it!
This is the aspect about parenting that scares more than any other, try as you might, there's still only so much you can do.
That kind of uncertaintly coupled with the magnitude of the task terrifies me.
bella, this was a sad story to research and write about for me.
sandi, same here. but all parents are not alike.
spades, times have changed so much. the world is a bit scarier.
To preface the following statement, I'm not saying that Vick's parents were innocent nor that mine were, because I agree that my mom let my brother get away with a few things he shouldn't and then it was too late.
However, I also believe in bad seeds. Especially since my little brother and I were raised in the same family under the same rules, however he is very mean-spirited and fits the profile for a serial killer (and has been known to BRAG about torturing animals) and I am the complete opposite. My brother's meanness was evident when he was a toddler, even. I automatically feel a bit sad for any woman who dates him because I know she will be abused. Sadly, I'm also happy every time he ends up in jail for one thing or another, because just for a little while I know the rest of the world is a little safer. (This sounds terrible, but how am I supposed to react?)
I have sympathy for the families of the shooters because of my belief in "the bad seed". No matter how much love or discipline the parents give, sometimes the child still grows up to be a terror to society.
andrea, i know what you mean about bad seeds. there's ALL kinds of people in this world.
My first gut reaction when I read about the parents of these kids is to judge them harshly...but then I catch myself because the parents are also a part of the tragedy. They have to live the rest of their lives with the blood spilled at the hands of their children-it doesn't exonerate them, it just reminds me that I am in no position to judge anybody.
It also makes me appreciate my own blessed life.
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